[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
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Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost