[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
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Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
“TGIM!” – My liver
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch