[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
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A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks