Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
You Might Also Like
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”