If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
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The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
decorating my apartment
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*