Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
You Might Also Like
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Is this a threat?
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor