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Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Comparing yourself to others
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?