[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
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@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please