Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
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[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s