Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
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#Caturday
Thick as shit.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
My dad is at it again
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.