“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
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Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent