[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
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excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Boom, boom, ching!
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.