If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
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I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Me My dog
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent