Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
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Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
TEETH IS INNOCENT
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.