My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
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Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Not😆🤣
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal