‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
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Plumber: I think I found the problem
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.