1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
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[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?