I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
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To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
From my Mom
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.