I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
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Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]