i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
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Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”