What a chick magnet..
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I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit