Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
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Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Aight bet
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that