I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
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I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad