I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
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I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.