[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
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Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
B
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.