Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
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i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?