Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
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barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?