What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
You Might Also Like
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
So sick of all these stupid rules
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
describing stardew valley
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck