The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
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John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
road rage
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.