I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
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Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
There is no “we” in pizza
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people