Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
You Might Also Like
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Monica just destroyed the internet
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,