Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
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I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
You can’t rush stupid.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.