“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
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My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”