EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
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Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
this will hang in the louvre one day
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?