I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
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2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
“TGIM!” – My liver
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
We need more people like this.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Still laughing at this stupid meme
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good