My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
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Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
All is fair in drunk and war.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE