If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
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[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
#MeanwhileinCanada
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat