I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
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I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”