My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
You Might Also Like
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”