Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
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Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Watermelon Boss!
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
The little toadstool has spoken.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
bro what is going on at twitter
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?