CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
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[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands