This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
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we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
This will never not be funny to me.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Do one person every day that scares you.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.