Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
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*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…