Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
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when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
I love it all
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.