They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
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Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Day 2 of my diet
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
The Compass
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?