I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
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Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.