Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
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A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!