This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
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I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
sry
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis