Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
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The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
I don’t know what to do
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram