me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
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People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Always a metermaid never a meter
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.